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To apologize for what you most wanted to do, to concede that it was obnoxious, boring, 'vulgar and unsafe' --- that was the worst thing.

Alan Hollinghurst
Apologizing, Boring, Worst
Alan Hollinghurst (2014). “The Line of Beauty: Picador Classic”, p.124, Pan Macmillan
To apologize for what you most wanted to do, to concede that it was obnoxious, boring, 'vulgar and unsafe' --- that was the worst thing.