I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.
I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.
Mel Gibson is losing it. I don't know how people still supporting this dude's movies like it's all good. That dude is nuts. All you gotta do is shut him down and don't support any of his movies.
Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.
Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.
We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.
My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing. I power wash everything: my wife, the mailman with the f-cking mail, power wash his ass, f-ck my mail up, I don't care.
I should be European. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. Kids get heavy. Quite literally. They're heavy to lift up when they're throwing tantrums.
I'm nice with damn kids, man. Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids and I can get into the mind of a kid.
I'm looking to be the next comedy mogul.
