The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.
It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken
I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.
I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.
I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.
Things don't exist until they exist.
In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines
I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.
If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.
It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy.
All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.
Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.
Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.
I think for many of us - speaking for just a pocket of the country - we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don't run home and check the nanny cam. But now we've left the baby with Gary Busey, so we're going to be a lot more on it.
I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.
Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.
I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I'd done a lot of things I wasn't proud of.
You can't always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.
I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.
I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever's on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn't watch important shows. He'll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever's on, we watch.
I kind of thought, wouldn't it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?
You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don't know what they're talking about.
