My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.
Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.
If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car
The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.
What if obese people couldn't get married?
Twelve years ago my mother gets her cataracts removed. So twelve years ago the doctor gives her these enormous sunglasses to wear to protect her eyes from the sun for 4-6 weeks after the operation...twelve years ago. She still wears them. She thinks they're attractive. She looks like Bea Arthur as a welder.
Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.
Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.
We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.
I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.
