Allen Carr Quotes

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

Wouldn’t that be an incredibly stupid thing to do? To say ‘I never want to smoke again’, then spend the rest of your life saying ‘I’d love a cigarette.’ That’s what smokers who use the Willpower Method do. No wonder they feel so miserable. They spend the rest of their lives desperately moping for something that they desperately hope they will never have.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

You should never meet your heroes. Paul Newman... I was so excited about meeting him, but he turned up in shell suit bottoms, slippers, and a jumper. He was just so worn out and old, he wanted to go home.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

If you go on stage with the wrong attitude, or something in your performance is off, you can lose an audience in the first minute. That first minute is crucial.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy.

I think over there in Montreal they're a bit hardcore with the old homos. They're not that keen on them.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.