Artie Lange Quotes - Page 2

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.