Whiskey will always be a part of my life.
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.
I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.
Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota
My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.
Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.
I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.
For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.
If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.
But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.
A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.
I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.
When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.
