You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine.
I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.
