Sarcastic Quotes

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.