Funny Quotes

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.