Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
I was a high school throw-out.
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'
My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.
My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.
If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
