Amy Sedaris Quotes

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.

Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs.

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.

It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

If you see a shy person, ask them some questions like, 'Why are you so shy? Tell everyone, we're all listening.

Learn more about yourself! Make a self-esteem collage using pictures of other people you wish you were.

I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air.

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

As my guests leave even my most simple parties, I consistently hear the same thing: 'That was the best time I ever had,' and it's always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably.

Sometimes it's just enough for me to have the idea. I don't need to see it through to the end. When it actually happens, I'm always disappointed because it's never like what I imagined in my head. When an idea becomes a reality, then it's a job. I'd rather just think about it.

I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.

Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas.

You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use your imagination to come up with stuff.

Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.

If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

I was just a kid. I think I stole a candy bar. I remember feeling so terrible. It was the worst shock. I was probably 7. That's my least favorite feeling: guilt.

although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.

I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, including a rubber turkey, which, during the holidays, I wrap in tinfoil so it appears to have just come out of the oven.

I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd get your supplies, and then you'd use your imagination.