Marriage is when two people are joined together to become one desperately boring person.
Running is never fun. Running is something that you do when there's a man chasing you with a knife.
I make a lot of jokes about vegetarians in my act but most of them don't have the strength to protest.
If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face, it's a victory.
Football is the best way to get to know a people and a city.
