It's not only that I want to get things right when I'm composing but that my imagination often gets lost, and then I have to wait until I come back to the path. I think there's an internal force that makes a piece logical from beginning to end; I like to tell stories in music that are unexpected but also logical.
When you love a teacher very much - as I did Olivier Messiaen - you do have to leave them.One of the things that separated me from Messiaen was my desire to create works with a big structure, a large symphonic sweep. His forms are wonderful, glorious mosaics, but again, I prefer narrative.
When I lose direction, it becomes very hard to write. I actually get a physical pain, as if my subconscious knows better. That may sound mystical and pretentious, but it's true.
I get nervous before I conduct a concert, but then you just go out there and do it.
It it's true that fastidiousness and attention to detail is very much in my genes - if you knew my parents, you'd see that this is something I've inherited, only doubly so.
I began conducting when I was in school, around age 12, because I was writing little theater pieces and wanted to perform them. And then somehow I got started on it. I love doing it, but I have to ration myself very severely or I wouldn't get anything else done.
The feelings of being in the audience and being on the podium are very far apart. When you're onstage and something goes wrong, you can do something about it. In the audience, you just have to sit there, and if it's a disastrous performance, I'm the one that gets blamed.
Concerts are dangerous because anything can happen - which is one of the joys as well.
The London music world isn't a particularly cohesive place. And when I'm composing, I'm not very friendly. I need isolation.
I always say that I can help someone who can already compose, but if they can't, I can't help them. I can advise on technical issues, of course, like how low the piccolo can go, but otherwise what's important is not wisdom but enthusiasm.
