Jen Lancaster Quotes - Page 2

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?" I'm not taking them off." Why not?" I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.

As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.

You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.

I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.

I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.

Writing is something that I've always loved. That stems from my love of being a reader.

I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.

I'm such a fangirl when it comes to other writers. I read 250 books a year, and I'm always talking up books by other authors.

I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the natural propensity for women is, 'Oh I want to talk to someone.' But the minute you take what bothers you outside the bond between you and your husband, you let someone else into the relationship and that causes a wedge.

I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.

I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously.

I think people tend to be very myopic and they dont understand how their actions impact others.

Quinn Cummings is a master story-teller and her book is nothing short of delightful. Her insights into topics like celebrity, parenting, and cats with a taste for homicide are pithy and uproarious and not to be missed. Notes from the Underwire is charming, hilarious, and just snarky enough to be ultimately satisfying.

Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.