I love what I do and I'm super confident in it, but I also think of myself as humble in it. It's not better than what anyone else is doing, but I'm doing the best job of being exactly who I am, and doing what I want to do today. It feels so good to me that it doesn't really matter what it means to other people because that's more about them than me. I'm in a really great place with it.
I will say this: it's important to work hard, but you have to know your limits. There's always another show, but if there's no "you"; if you have nothing left to give, nothing else happens. It all disappears.
Sometimes you have to say no to things that people don't want you to say no to in the interest of self-preservation. I definitely went through some times that I did more than I could handle, and I was trying to make decisions for the best of my career; the irony was that those decisions were a direct cause of my inability to produce, perform, create anything. If you are not emotionally and personally stable and intact and healthy, then the entire foundation of what you do this for - the things that you make - is gone.
I would like to go back in time and remind myself that when you're working in music field, it's very easy to overestimate how much of yourself you have to give. It's obviously a competitive field, and it's hard work, and it matters if it's something that you care about, so you have to really pour yourself into it. But I wish I had been more aware of my limits when I was younger. I wish I had understood better that everyone is going to be looking out for their own interests, but the only person who is looking out for your best interests is you.
I'm lucky that I know so many people in the world, but it's also heartbreaking because I'm only one person, and I only have as much time as everyone else. For every choice I make about how to spend this time, there are a million somethings that have to go by the wayside.
There's not a second of my time on tour where I'm not engaged with something. It is the hardest job - a great job, and I love it - but truly the hardest job I've ever had. There's no time away, there's no time off, and it's so exhausting. I drive myself around in a van, and I don't have the money or infrastructure to do it differently, and I'm involved at every level. I feel like I'm just collecting info, and can't wait to get home to try and process these.
There were a lot of times that I'd rather be hanging out with friends, or out at a show, but instead I stay home and work on music. It's important to me that I make a lot of work and have a lot of variety and change for myself, because of the kind of personality I have. I have to bring my best self and my best work to the table.
I'm a real people pleaser, and for a while I was really desperate to make a kind of thing that would satisfy everyone, and I realized I was focusing so much on satisfying everyone else that I'd forgotten that the only real way to make anything true is to focus on making what you want to hear and saying what you want to say. Trying to people please with my art was a direct line to complete meltdown, writer's block situation, and I had to look inward before I could move past it.
I don't think of music as being a competition - what I make is exactly what I want it to be for me, and it's not better or worse than anything else. I'm just trying to be the best at what I am, or that I possibly can be. And when I've done that, I feel incredibly confident and there's nothing anyone can see to dampen that, but I don't think that because it means something to me, it has to necessarily mean something to other people.
I really don't see the point of making music if you don't love it, and I'm lucky enough to say I love my music, and love the things I've made over the last couple of years and they bring me so much joy.
I really like to plan and think ahead and put things in their place. I'm a bit of a control freak. In many ways, I have done myself a great service over the years in trying to loosen that a bit, and trying to learn how to be present and be comfortable with where I am in any particular moment, literally and figuratively. To try and find the joy and peace in any situation, even if I feel like I don't have a handle on where it is or where it's going.
A lot of mantras that I use in my daily life to get through - to move through the world in peace and harmony with myself - find their way into the music that I make. Many of the lines that people seem to be drawn to in my music really come from these mantras that I repeat to myself to try and move through the world in more thoughtful, comfortable way.
Sometimes you need to turn things down in the interest of being able to do the weird, magical thing that you do that takes so much of your time, and effort, and requires so much of your vulnerability and presence. If you don't take care of yourself, that goes away and you don't have a leg left to stand on.
