Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.
Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?
The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out.
Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.
With everybody having a Facebook and a Twitter, I feel like regular people consider themselves stars. It's a live, real-time upload of every time we buy a pair of socks, the most telling sign that we're losing our politeness. When you know everything about somebody, you can talk to them any way you please.
I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.
People are not afraid to be very direct with police. And I think that's part of the problem is that people are angry at the cops and then the cops are stressed out and they, you know, pay it backwards, so to speak.
I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.
Life has to keep going, so you can either be a victim the rest of your life and let it drag you down into drugs and alcohol and depression or you can turn it into something good, fun even, you know, and I tell young people who are going through depression that this might be the most important time of your life. This might be what makes you a great artist later on.
I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk to me, and it became an obvious thing.
How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?
It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.
Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.
Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.
Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.
My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.
When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.
I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.
I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.
Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?
My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.
As soon as you start analyzing comedy is when the world starts to fall apart, and we're second guessing it. And we are way too sensitive.
The real question is how do you stay funny in your 70s and 80s? And that's a real accomplishment, you know, the longevity.
I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.
Comedians a lot of times we're on the road, we're by our self. We come home to New York to our empty one-bedroom apartment, you know, and we need a place to go where you see a bunch of other miserable people sit around and eat a corned beef sandwich.
