Jewish women are very exciting, as exciting sexually as any other group. Even so, my advice to a young man marrying a Jewish girl would be to have three and a half years of foreplay. Of course, most girls in every group are reserved about getting down to it. They don't usually do it right away. But once they do it, women are bananas. They don't wanna do it, you can't make them do it, there's no way they'll do it - but once they do it, they don't let you alone.
Why should I waste my good time making a straight dramatic film? The people who can't make you laugh can do that.
Don’t be stupid, be a smarty / Come and join the Nazi Party!
I had low blood sugar, a chemical imbalance, plus the normal nervous breakdown everyone goes through from adolescence to adulthood.
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
Immortality is a by-product of good work.
I have been lucky that some critics joined the mob in loving something I've done, or in appreciating it. I've been lucky. But most of the critics don't like what the people like. I think they have a very strange job, and they are meant to criticize.
My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
You're young forever when you write. Alfred Hitchcock directed until the day he died. As long as you don't have any dementia or Alzheimer's, if you have your All-Bran every day and clear yourself out, I think your brains are gonna be all right.
It would be hypocritical of me to take issue with anything in questionable taste, seeing that I invented bad taste in films.
The only weapon I've got is comedy
I realised that all one really had to do was just observe. Observe and slightly exaggerate, and you had comedy. Instead of creating a mythical premise for a stupid joke, I found playing off truth got the best result.
I'm married to a beautiful and talented woman who can lift your spirits just by looking at you.
Look, I had to take chances or it wasn't fun being funny.
There's a lot of things that I've done to stick into the box set. You never have it this good. I think people should bargain. They shouldn't just buy the set, it's a little expensive [anyway]. But they should say - I'll give them dialogue, I'm a good writer.
I like people with big talents and small neuroses - not always an easy combination to find. I've discovered that if the neurosis is too big, it diminishes the talent and you wind up working too hard for what you get.
You want me to admit I'm a four-foot, six-inch freckle-faced person of Jewish extraction? I admit it. All but the extraction. But being short never bothered me for three seconds. The rest of the time I wanted to commit suicide.
I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.
Creative people should always be striving, they should always be hungry, they should be looking for the next place to go.
Immortality is a by-product of good work. Masterpieces are not for artists, they're for critics. Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together. My message to the world is 'Let's swing, sing, shout, make noise! Let's not mimic death before our time comes! Let's be wet and noisy!'
I was out in the combat engineers. We would throw up bridges in advance of the infantry but mainly we would just throw up.
The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision--it pleasurably reaffirms your Jewishness.
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
We rest our case on the production numbers.
Tolstoy was the most gifted writer who ever lived. It's like he stuck a pen in his heart and it didn't even go through his mind on its way to the page.
