I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.
I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.
I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.
Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.
Because I go outside sometimes, I'm exposed to terrible, terrible music in public.
Whenever you see riot footage on TV - you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle - you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.
We had our family tree done... turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.
If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.
My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.
I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.
My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.
As a comic, I used to know more about pop culture.
Just got a new car - got a little Miata convertible. Pretty happy about it, except for one thing: I'm 6-foot-6, so now I look like a McDonald's toy.
I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom.
Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.
I wanted to be a vet before I got into comedy, but then once I found out how much gore goes into that job, I wanted nothing to do with it.
Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.
I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.
I love metal songs about metal. That's one of my favorite things. Nobody does that any more. Nobody sings about how metal they are, or about their fans, or about how crazy their pits are.
Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.
I don't know if I was a poseur - I really did love metal, always - but I gave a lot of other things a chance. I wanted to meet, um, girls, so I would check out Depeche Mode. But mostly I wanted stuff with pentagrams and crowns of thorns on it.
I got into Kiss before I got into anybody. The first thing I heard was Detroit Rock City. I heard it in the school library, where I lived.
Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60. I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.
I was such a weird kid. The really hardcore stuff like Venom - I was totally aware of them, and I listened to some of it - but they actually frightened me.
Once I could drive, I spent all my time in the city going to metal shows. I missed the first couple of Metallica shows because I was lame. By the time I got into them, they were playing places like the Kabuki.
