For as long as I can remember, I've had memories.
Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!
After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.
Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.
We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.
Did you know that..........'embargo' spelled backwards is 'o grab me
Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.
If Sting retires, would he have to change his name to Stung?
NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle.
You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.
Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang.
He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still he was my identical twin.
This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.
My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.
Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?
Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.
We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.
The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.
I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'
Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.
Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!
Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.
