Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!
There's estrogen running through my veins!
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
