Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.
When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.
You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!
I live my life like there's no yesterday.
A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.
I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."
