Christian Finnegan Quotes

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you're starting your own business, don't even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I'm your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

My abject hatred of actors and the acting world. I went to college as an actor, and halfway through, I switched to playwriting and directing. Then I spent a couple years working in publishing, doing some freelance journalism for The Village Voice and Musician magazine. I thought my life was going to be as a writer, but then I realized I missed performing, so I got into comedy. It was a nice combination of things I was sort of good at. I was a pretty good writer and a decent actor, but I didn't really like acting, and I didn't have the discipline to be a writer.

If the right opportunity came along, maybe, but I'm more focused on trying to create a TV show where I can be myself, rather than playing a wacky neighbor. Although, I would gladly play a wacky neighbor of any sort.

I've always prided myself on being able to perform in the "alt-comedy" zone, but also being able to do comedy for people who aren't media-saturated, and maybe don't have the latest Dan Deacon album. I probably won't be the most popular guy at Zanies in Nashville, and I'll never be the coolest dude at Largo, but I like that I can swim in both those waters.