You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?
I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have.
You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect.
I don't understand people who go to amusement parks. I spend most of my time trying NOT to be nauseous. 'Excuse me, could you strap me in upside down? I'd like to be as sick as humanly possible. I feel great today, I think I'll go down to Funland and snap my neck on the back of a ride. Honey, let's bring the kids, I want to give them a spinal cord injury for Christmas.'
My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, Look I got to level with you. I met another kid.
I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal - it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.
My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: I have a cold. I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore.
I think boxing is an incredible sport and I would like to see it really become regulated because I think it could bring back a lot of the past.
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie.
My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, Dom, I think that waitress knows me. What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?
I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.
Everyone always says, Does it bother you that Italians are always portrayed as Mafia characters? No, it doesn't bother me. First of all, not everybody in my family is in the Mafia. I have one uncle who's clean.
Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.
