Frankie Boyle Quotes

We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them. We have given 'taking offense' a social status it doesn't deserve: it's not much more than a way of avoiding difficult conversations.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass in front of him? I think that shows you how racist America still is. Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.