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George Carlin Quotes

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Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.

Running, Smart, Thinking

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nature, Philosophy, Stupid

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.

Running, Independent, Media

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Funny, Life, Witty

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

Faith, Children, Learning

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Philosophy, Real, Lying

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

Believe, Government, Rules To Live By

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain

Office, People, Done

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Funny, Life, Motivational

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

Inspirational, Life, Birthday

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Funny, Humor, Mean

There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.

Thinking, Years, Going Away

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

Dog, Cat, Thinking

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Funny, Life, Witty

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.205, Hachette UK

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

Humorous, People, Stuff

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.337, Hachette UK

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Funny, Mean, Humor

"The G20 Needs a Permanent Home" by Craig and Marc Kielburger, www.huffingtonpost.com. November 18, 2010.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Funny, Christmas, Girl

Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there's no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!

War, Cancer, America

... the important thing is to, first of all, question everything you read or hear or see or are told. Question it, and try to see the world for what it actually is, as opposed to what someone or some company or some organization or some government is trying to represent it as, or present it as, however they've mislabeled it or dressed it up or told you.

Organization, Government, Trying

"George Carlin confronts reality". Interview with Todd Leopold, edition.cnn.com. October 29, 2004.

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

Mind, Would Be, Tools

"Stand-up comic - Interview". The Progressive Vol. 65 Nbr., July 7, 2001.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Inspirational, Funny, Life

"Carlin on Campus". Documentary, Comedy, 1984.

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