I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.
If i wouldn't have done comedy, I would have been a teacher. I was really good when I took an exploratory teaching class in high school, at getting kids' attention, and delivering lesson plans. Though my principal even told me that this was what I was meant to do. And that being a big-mouth comedian was a waste of time.
If I'm drinking I can either be the nicest guy ever or I'm the guy you should leave alone.
If you surround yourself with a bunch of guys who no mas se quieren puro pari and are like, "Aaah, let's go get some chicks." Guess what? That's going to slow you down and keep your head somewhere else.
And I don't want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don't get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that's still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.
Originally the big argument was that they wanted to call it "raw and uncut" and I told them I had a problem with that. When you say "raw" it implies that my show is dirty and that's not the case.
I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.
I'm all about showing people that I'm a little messed up, I have a lot of the same problems you have. By exposing myself and putting myself out there, people can relate to me and my act won't grow stale. I mean, nobody wants to hear a comedian say, 'Life is great.'
If you put your personal stories out there people always connect.
I started riding the whole 'fluffy' train, and it's a cute word and socially a lot more acceptable than someone saying is fat or obese. If you call a girl 'fat,' yo, she'll raise hell, but if you say, 'Aw girl, look at you, you're fluffy,' there's almost a sexy appeal to it.
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.
If you aim to be big, you will be big. And that's not a pun about my size.
I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just - I crave it.
Best advice, bro: Think big. Don't think small. If you think small, then you're going to stay small. Think (about) the broad scope.
Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.
You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.
I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don't ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like 'this guy is ready to party.'
You gotta hang out with people who have big dreams and believe in that dream.
Now I understand why people do drugs, why people drink, and why people go crazy. As the success level goes up and up and up, the further detached I get from everybody else. Luckily, with my girlfriend, everything is gravy because I brought her into it. I brought her in and she's very hands on with my career.
In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible... I don't want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.
Understand that you don't know it all. You don't know anything yet. What you've been taught is great, but always go with common sense. And don't marry your first love.
It's not an overnight thing. I can legitimately say I've been working my ass off for a long time and the fact that I'm getting this concert movie is perfect because it's coming at just the right time in my life.
Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.
