Gary Gulman Quotes - Page 2

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

Without my family, I'd be something.

I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

I just always wonder if I'm too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.

There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you're talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they're supposed to prevent, that's like the hackiest joke out there now. If you're still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.

There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.

It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

I think the biggest challenge I have faced is that I have struggled most of my life with often crippling depression which has sometimes if not keeping me off stage kept me from writing regularly and with any kind of confidence.

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.