Ron White Quotes

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Years ago, while I was watching a baseball game between the Baltimore Orioles and the Texas Rangers, I remember staring in awe at Cal Ripken. I realized during this game that 'you don't have to be flashy' or have 'power numbers' to be great. It's about the simple things that are the hard things. It's about leadership, work ethic and commitment.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

Everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level. Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me and I'm pretty good at helping them get there. I think we all work together on some level, but for the most part, we're on our own.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

You can't fix stupid.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

The biggest piece of advice that I give young comedians is: If it's your goal to get where I'm at, go do something else. Because you'll never get here. Never. The odds are so bad. Because not only do you have to be a really, really strong comedian but you also have to be lucky. And most people don't get that combination.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.