I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.
A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.
Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.
I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.
At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.
I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.
I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.
Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.
If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.
I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!
I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.
I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.
If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, dont laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if thats funny, then you laugh. If its not, you dont laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.
There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!
If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.
I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.
I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.
I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'
