You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?
Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.
I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.
I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.
I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.
Yo. I'm from Beverly Hills, and I be pimpin'.
My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.
I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.
I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.
In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.
I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.
I like the night life, I like to boogy.
Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.
Tequila is like acid in a glass.
I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.
I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.
I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.
Let me tell you about Australia. It's really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you're a gleam in your father's eye.
I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.
Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'
Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.
President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.
Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.
How would you like to make money in real estate?
Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.
