If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.
Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.
Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.
Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?
Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.
White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.
It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.
No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.
If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.
I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.
I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.
I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.
You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!
You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.
If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.
We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.
Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'
And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.
Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.
I have to hear this all the time in England: Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.
People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.
I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.
I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.
