I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
