Groucho Marx Quotes

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

What have future generations ever done for us?

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while