Demetri Martin Quotes

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.