Wilson Mizner Quotes - Page 2

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you

I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

What feeling is so nice as a child's hand in yours? So small, so soft and warm, like a kitten huddling in the shelter of your clasp.

God help those who do not help themselves.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.

I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.

It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.

Gambling: A sure way to get nothing from something.

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.

Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.