US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.
We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.
I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.
A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.
