Art Buchwald Quotes

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

The things that matter most are not things.

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one place and He could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles and there was nowhere to sit down or walk, and Man shook his head and cried: "Look at this Godawful mess.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

Every once in a while your world stands still... There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on you long after the person is gone.

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

This is what makes me happy: ...Any music-free restaurant ... A grandson who offers to clean the snow off my driveway and also fix my computer ... An evening in bed with a good book. ... A good night's sleep ... As you can see, it doesn't take much to make me happy.

The best things in life aren't things.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.