Art Buchwald Quotes - Page 2

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

I earned my stripes as a Marine, and the Corps gets full credit for straightening me out. At 17, I was young, I was unhappy and most of all, I was undisciplined. The Marine Corps was the right service in the right place at the right time.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.

The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.