David Sedaris Quotes

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

Art isn't about following the rules. It's about breaking them.

When someone tell me they illegally downloaded one of my audiobooks I think, Thanks a lot, Pal. When someone tells me they checked my book out of the library, I'm delighted. I've always been a big library user, and feel a kinship with others who do the same thing.

I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you’ve come to mow its lawns.

All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.

Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.

States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends to hurt my feelings. I guess what bugs me is that it was put to a vote in the first place. If you don't want to marry a homosexual, then don't. But what gives you the right to weigh in on your neighbor's options? It's like voting whether or not redheads should be allowed to celebrate Christmas.

Write relentlessly, until you find your voice. Then, use it.

Weird doors open. People fall into things.

I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?

Living in a foreign country is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. My understanding was that it completed a person, sanding down the rough provincial edges and transforming you into a citizen of the world. What I find appealing in life abroad was the inevitable sense of helplessness it would inspire. Equally exciting would be the work involved in overcoming that helplessness. There would be a goal involved, and I like having goals.

As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.

You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.