Robert Benchley Quotes

Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

The wise man thinks once before he speaks twice.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open to criticism by purists.

I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures.

A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries?

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

The English language may hold a more disagreeable combination of words than "The doctor will see you now." I am willing to concede something to the phrase "Have you anything to say before the current is turned on?" That may be worse for the moment, but it doesn't last so long. For continued, unmitigating depression, I know nothing to equal "The doctor will see you now." But I'm not narrow-minded about it. I'm willing to consider other possibilities.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.