Chris Rock Quotes

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, 'Hey, man, women are crazy,' you've got a friend.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

There's math, and everything else is debatable!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"