Adam Carolla Quotes

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?