Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know
If no-one comes from the future to stop doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life
No matter how much you screw up your life, you can fix it.
No matter how much you screw up your own life by the wrong decisions that you make, it's never too late to do the right thing and change your ways and you can teach old dogs new tricks.
If you ain't first, you're last!
There’s a benefit to losing, you get to learn from your mistakes.
I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work
Aren't we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.
A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.
I guess destiny isn't the path chosen for us, but the path we chose for ourselves.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato
I’m just a big, hairy, American winning machine!
Inappropriate behavior makes me laugh.
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
I live by 'Earnin' and burnin'.' Meaning, I like to make money and spend it before I even have it. That's the way I live my life.
I often don't think a lot about the ramifications of anything I do.
I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.
I'm a cotton-headed ninny muggins.
Anyone can memorize facts and figures. The real way to learn anything is to go out and experience it. Let your curiosity lead you.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records.
