There's always something funny about men chasing women.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.
Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.
I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.
My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?
I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain't nobody gonna hear you!
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.
I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair!
I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.
The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"
Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.
