Dylan Moran Quotes about Funny - Page 3

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

You exaggerate your own reactions.

You look like a horse in a man costume

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.