Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.
Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.
Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.
You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.
This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.
