Fran Lebowitz Quotes

I think one manifestation of integrity is holding a grudge. Saying no is a little different. Holding a grudge is the modern equivalent of having standards.

If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

I always liked people who are older. Of course, every year it gets harder to find them.

The only appropriate response to the question, 'Can I be frank?' is, 'Yes, if I can be Barbara.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

The downfall of most diets is that they restrict your intake of food.

When you reach a certain age, suddenly there are lots of people younger than you, which is really startling.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

If people don't hold grudges, it means they just don't care what people do.

You can be nasty when you are young, but you really have to be older to achieve bitterness.

If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era.

What do they do in these [private] clubs, anyway? Sit around saying things like 'Thank God I'm here. No Jews! What fun! This is living, huh? Look! No Jews! I don't know when I've had a better time. And no women! Just men! And no blacks! Just whites! White men! White men who are not Jewish! It doesn't get any better than this.' To some people, apparently, this is a perfect description of injustice. To me, this is a perfect description of a gay bar in Iceland.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

No one earns $100 million. You steal $100 million.

Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself - a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

You know, almost everyone is an irritant to me. I think people have forgotten what the word 'public' means. 'Public' means you're going to be irritated. It's a natural consequence of leaving one's home. You go outside, and there are people who are irritating. I'll be standing on the sidewalk, and someone berates me for smoking. I look at the person and think, but what about your shoes? How can you wear shoes like that and have the confidence to accost someone like me?