Fran Lebowitz Quotes - Page 3

My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two-thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature, I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

If you read a lot, nothing is as great as you've imagined. Venice is - Venice is better.

Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

I'm not interested in being a wife. I'm interested in being an empress.

My favorite animal is steak.

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

One of the biggest changes in my lifetime, is the phenomenon of men wearing shorts. Men never wore shorts when I was young. This is one of the worst changes, by far. It's disgusting. To have to sit next to grown men on the subway in the summer, and they're wearing shorts? They look ridiculous, like children, and I can't take them seriously. My fashion advice, particularly to men wearing shorts: Ask yourself, 'Could I make a living modeling these shorts?' If the answer is no, then change your clothes. Put on a pair of pants.

I doubt there's ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.

In fact, we live in a culture where intelligence, exceptional or not, is reviled.

There's nothing like being old to be sure of everything.

People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to suggest that each is unique - no two alike. This is quite patently not the case. People, even at the current rate of inflation - in fact, people especially at the current rate of inflation - are quite simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariably and lamentable tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding fresh lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand that there must be a reason for this.

A woman's quest in life should be to find the perfect apartment. And I have found the perfect apartment. The perfect apartment is the first floor of the Metropolitan Museum. With a sofa.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds.

Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

I believe in talent. I know you're not supposed to believe in that anymore because you're supposed to believe if you just work hard you can do anything. That's how you succeed, maybe. But talent is something you're born with. You cannot acquire it by working hard, and you cannot lose it by lying around either.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Generally speaking, the poorer person summers where he winters.

People elect the President for reasons that have nothing to do with his ability to be president.

I write so slowly, I could write with my own blood and not hurt myself.