Humorous Quotes

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'll tell you how I'd like to be remembered: As a black man who won the heavyweight title - Who has humorous and who never looked down on those who looked up to him - A man who stood for freedom, justice and equality - And I wouldn't even mind if folks forgot how pretty I was.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people's idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.

Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.